9Dec09 The Death of a Salesman Eulogy: At Peace with the Learning that Came from an Abusive Childhood

What if you had to write a eulogy for someone that did you harm?  Could you connect success in life because of your experiences?  Who or what would you write about?

 

In my quest to find out more about the paternal side of my family (where my American Indian heritage originates), while striving not coming in contact with my biological father in the process, I discovered that my father died January 27, 2009.

 

I hadn’t connected with my father in 30 years due to the extensive abuse he inflicted on my entire family – in the form of alcohol, drug, physical, mental, and sexual abuse.  I kept my distance for the first years to lick my wounds to create a more functional and happier me.  The following years were to protect my children from the sickness that manifests being re-exposed to such dysfunctional patterns.  As the Nobel Peace price winner, Albert Einstein once said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

 

When I heard of his crossing, I decided to write a healing Eulogy for my father (who always put on a face of “all is well” while creating chaos, the ultimate salesman spin).  Here is what I wrote…

 

Thank you dad for the Christmases that were best celebrated late in the day because you were passed out drunk under the Christmas tree.  It taught me to see more clearly through my children’s eyes during these important family holidays.

 

Thank you dad for being such a masterful liar.  It taught me to coach my children to “tell” if ANYONE touched or directed them to take any action that they felt uncomfortable or confused with.

 

Thank you dad for having us run out of town on numerous occasions due to your “indiscretions.”  It taught me to find the silver lining in any situation and that no matter how bad it got, we still had it better than many others. 

 

Thank you dad for allowing us to live in poverty with numerous occasions having no utilities (water, electric, gas) because your money went to “other women,” drugs and alcohol – It taught me the value of a dollar, an education, family, being loyal in relationships, and the importance of clean and healthy living (inside and out). 

 

Thank you dad for the experiences of the past as they have brought me to such a wonderful place today.  I am stronger, wiser, and have so much gratitude for my life.  Find peace.  I have found mine. 

 

Note to readers of this eulogy, in conjunction with or in lieu of Emotional Freedom Technique and/or Neuro-Linguistic Programming (red light/green light technique in my book HEALING WHAT’S REAL —  http://www.michellepayton.com/Healing-Whats-Real.htm – for instance), consider journaling a healing eulogy.  PTSD experiencers (which are also abuse experiencers), consider this tool even if the person and/or event is/are still living.  How can you turn negative experiences into powerful learning tools? 

 

Looking for a happier and productive life?  Jump with both feet into your power.  I did. 

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1Dec09 Real Branding = Empathy — Empathy = World Kindness

A world-renowned brand advertising professional teaches that the early 1900’s Nobel Peace Prize winner Petrovich Pavlov is the person responsible for creating the idea of branding. Why? Because of his famous (cause and effect) “Pavlov’s Dog” experiment — where he put meat on a dog’s tongue then rang a bell and did this repeatedly until the dog salivated when hearing the bell without the meat. If the dog was fed turnips and the bell rang, this is not effective branding because he doesn’t have a pleasurable association with eating turnips.

The first decade of my professional career, I was on the “Brand Management” path in packaged goods companies. Marketers take huge ownership in the idea of branding and can get quite smug when it comes to discussing strategy, and who’s right, and who’s wrong. A pivotal moment in my young brand marketing career, I was in a meeting with our advertising agency team, and my manager.  One of the account managers (who didn’t like me very much) talked about his clever brand strategies on feminine napkins in a large packaged goods company. Seniorly brand-worthy, he turned to me and said, “Michelle, I think you’re too young to remember this brand, but what we did…” Standing in his perceived cleverness (and believing he “put me in my place”), he lacked the basic element of empathy (among other things) as I interrupted his thought saying, “I think I have a bit of experience in the feminine napkin category.”

This is where marketers have made a huge mistake. They tie themselves up in so much strategic thinking that they have forgotten that the basic concept of connecting with others is simple EMPATHY. Branding is a concept of connecting with others at all levels.  And why would this very personal concept only “belong” to corporations and the perceived clever? 

Like Pavlov, the world is a better place when Empathy is applied. It’s when humanity enters the equation. It’s when we are clear that we are all connected. This is why I consider myself an Empatherapist because everything that I study — Hypnotherapy, Mind Works,  Accupressue/Hypnotherapy, Astrology, Numerology, Birth Order, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Emotional Freedom Technique, Handwriting…– and apply to my sessions, books, workshops is about helping people know, like and trust themselves and (at least) be able to predict (not necessarily agree, but see their points of view) how others respond in various situations.  Ultimately this type of learning is applied to all areas of life — Financial, Intellectual, Physical, Social, and Spiritual. (See http://www.michellepayton.com/  and http://www.michellepayton.com/Individual-Sessions.htm  for more information.) It all comes down to our daily emotional responses and human connection. Sure, advertisers and marketers dabble in the world of empathy. But how truly great is it when Empathy is a world movement, owned by all and kindness becomes the norm.

Speak to you soon.

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9Nov09 A Scientific Formula for Happiness?

I was watching a morning show in my area called Dr. Oz (November 9, 2009) and he shared a research graph that showed “happiness” being scientifically researched and divided into three parts:

 

50% was Genetics (includes childhood/adulthood experiences and body/brain chemistry)

 

10% was Geographic Location/Situation

 

40% was Intention

 

When the expert was asked about job satisfaction and economic circumstances, she said that as long as the overall needs were met (food, shelter, clothing) then more money, bigger homes, more expensive clothes didn’t increase happiness significantly. 

 

I’m happier because of where I live (geography) and where I live are supposed to be where happier people live so what comes first?  Ok, I’ll just say I get the full 10% credit on that one.  I moved with very specific intentions to be happy personally and professionally.  So I’ll slide into that 40%, making me 50% happy.  My childhood experiences were living in poverty, with an alcoholic/drug and sexual abuser, but somehow I could find a silver lining to maintain my sanity (not feeling completely safe, keeping a cautious but relatively happy brain/body chemistry).  Making it to adulthood, I have sound food, shelter, and clothing, I feel safe, loved, and grateful.  So if we work on a 10 point scale, does that give me a passing grade for happiness?  

 

Would a scientific quotient for happiness help you?  For the more measurable, it’s worth a look (google Dr. Oz).  Consider this formula as well.  Know yourself and what your hot buttons are with finances, intellectual stimulation, physical activity, social interaction, spiritual activity.  Who helps you effectively push those buttons (keep them close)?  Among other things, I use Astrology, Numerology and Birth Order as a tool to get to know yourself and others.  It’s very easy to understand.  Here is a page that gives you top-line info on how to do this at http://www.michellepayton.com/BMP-calculations.htm .  Yes, we have some blocks.  I’ve got some answers there too, but that’s another blog. 

 

Speak to you soon.

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27Oct09 How We Process Physical Loss & Evolve

Over the past year I have metaphysically pondered how my closer “work”-related friends are doing now that they have crossed over. I say “work” related as a conscious living professional (worked together on events, projects, or a part of my companies/non-profit ventures…) and spiritual sense (my pathwork).

Bill Mitchell was an icon in the psychic world, and will have passed away (as I write) almost a year ago. Willie Jones was owner of Magical Journey Bookstore in Nashville and leader in his spiritual community. And now Ted Andrews, who brought “Animal” and “Nature” Speak to the forefront of our consciousness, has moved on. All three were teachers and trusted advisors/experts in their circles.

As powerful as these three individuals were in the physical realm, I can’t imagine the impact they now have as pure energy. The amount of celebrating immediately upon their stepping out of their physical bodies must have been (in mainstream terms) off the hook. And the enlightenment, freedom from all the physical “stuff,” finally remembering and having a clearer connection to Universal knowledge amazing.

While this bliss is occurring for our loved ones/friends/associates… that have moved on, how do we feel? “We,” the souls strapped to bodies that still crave physical connection. Why does the world keep turning? Why do people continue to carry on? How do we process and still feel happy for their evolvement? How are we evolving as a result? Are we evolving as souls “being” in the physical?

If you’d like, please consider this blog a forum to share how you feel, not only on the evolvement of our three mentioned friends, but anyone you’re missing in the physical.

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20Oct09 Being Abusive when being Too Bright-Sided

In a networking chat group that I am associated with, a professional said (in summary), “If you’re negative your business (and life overall) will fail.” This overly used mind/body type remark has become increasingly unproductive over the years and now people are keeping “Their Own Secret” that they don’t always buy into having sunshine blown up their rears.

While I would say that I generally look for the silver lining in a situation (and I have annoyed people by giving compliments or being too positive myself), it is combined with being a realist that helped me make my way out of an abusive and poverty stricken childhood. It’s certainly a balance, because people are equally annoying that constantly say the sky is falling. But the difference is the folks that are always blowing sunshine can be using this “philosophy” as a manipulative tool to shut folks down resulting in others feeling “less than.” Recognize and own it if you do this from time to time. I know I’ve done it. But know that more and more people view this as lacking empathy in a time when more empathy is needed, and being unkind when more kindness is needed.

Think about it. When the economy began tanking we were constantly getting reports of business being up. Did this make it so? Many of us were afraid that if we dwelled on loss then we would experience loss as well, but ignoring this meant we weren’t coming up with a plan to deal with a real problem. When the stock market and banks crashed, “Chicken Littles” were shushed until it was too late. When the real estate market dropped… you get the picture. And doesn’t this pattern emulate (a type of) abuse? For instance, in abusive families the first thing the abuser does is isolate his victim so that she can’t share destructive experiences. The strategy — make everything look rosy on the outside while inflicting harm behind the scenes.

The fact is it’s unhealthy and sometimes even deadly to bury your experiences, feelings and words. And when I walked down the “whole”istic healing, mind over matter professional path, I was initially frustrated that (with hypnotherapy for instance) my clients had to travel through many painful situations. But when I found EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) as a tool, I could apply pressure to certain dense nerve endings immediately to (at least) allow my clients to voice, acknowledge, admit to, own and experience negativity then release the emotional attachment. What this means is they admit/own/verbalize something is terrible and then they move on to healing. And guess what, everything wonderful happens!

Consider this. If you’re committed to helping others, have empathy. Let people tell their truths instead of creating “Their Own Secrets.” I have a training video for Emotional Freedom Technique you can view at no cost at http://www.michellepayton.com/training-videos.htm and you can see my book “Healing What’s Real” at my website (with a chapter on EFT) at www.MichellePayton.com

Speak to you soon.

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16Oct09 Living a Healthier Life Transitioning into the Winter Months

As the adrenal settles, I am moving into a winter state.

After five years of research and planning, I reached a major goal (5 representing new and change)–I moved my family to a new area – Asheville, NC. It hasn’t been without many bumps and bruises. The staging of the house to be sold (one year prior) was very involved, the six-hundred mile (physical) move was taxing, and the post-move complaints are like clockwork (from my college to elementary school aged children.

The first couple of months I was running on “I still can’t believe I’m here” adrenal. But as I reached the three month mark I said to myself, “What next?” I am putting myself out there actively connecting with new neighbors, connecting to new volunteer opportunities, joining the local chamber of commerce to professionally network, writing articles, writing my next book, breathing new life into my international (wholesale artists’ coop) business, going (for fun) to festivals nearly every week-end for one reason or another… But as the weeks wear on I’d rather rest, relax, take longer walks and enjoy watching the mists rise in the mountains, eat the wonderful local food and soak in the ambiance, curl up with the many good fiction books that have been released this fall. By fall equinox, I felt like I’d harvested enough. I felt like winter.

Winter here is not the same as it was in Ohio. Good riddance to snow–it is gone within a couple of hours if it falls at all. The herbs that I planted late in the season are happy as can be in my new garden. But watching nature, it’s a true reflection of where my spirit stands in the moment. While the trees prepare to rest with their leaves changing to bright reds, yellows and oranges, my sunflowers are still willing to show a little color and peek into the October harvest sun.

Are you feeling a one-ness with the changing cycles of the earth? There are strong arguments to say you live a healthier life if you do, so would like some thoughts on how to do you do that? I talk about the cycles of the earth in a workshop called “How Your Success Connects to the Cycles of the Seasons and Moon Cycles.” Email me from www.MichellePayton.com before Winter solstice 2009 and I will forward you the link and you can listen online.

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25Sep09 It’s kind of scary being a parent today

It’s kind of scary being a parent today. 

 

The state of Georgia is pressing felony charges for child abuse, because a woman was dragging her son on the floor in a public place on a leash.  Yes, I know that there is controversy around putting children on leashes (I can tell you that each of my 3 children were out of my sight in a flash over the years and that was very scary) and dragging looks odd in public, but the 15 seconds video gone web put people were up in arms.  What they didn’t hear was the little boy asking his mom to (play a game) pull him on the floor (like when kids sit on a blanket and they are pulled around the house).    

 

Another couple in Scotland got two of their children taken away because they were fat (many social work orgs are now considering obesity child abuse).  Social workers warned the family of 6 that they needed to slim their kids down (by putting them in sports…).  I don’t know all the details, but these parents said they prepare home cooked meals for their kids (vs. their perception of junk food).  Yes, there are problems with obesity.  Yes, there have been some publicized cases where parents are enablers and feed their kids, literally, to death.  And have you heard the latest statistic that children (at the current trend) will live 5 years less than their parents?

 

Look, I’m a size 6, 5 foot 5ish, 40 something, active (walker/hiker, weight training, yoga…) woman.  I wouldn’t choose obesity for my children, but all three have had their challenges with weight.  I have said or done things to my children that, at least, one person isn’t going to agree with.  Does that mean they should be pulled out of their home and put in foster care? 

I understand bad circumstances.  I came from one as a child growing up with physical, mental, sexual, drug and alcohol abuse.  But are we a society that has become too judgmental? 

 

There is an important place for regulators, but how about education, referrals, and a success tracking system being a major part of the job description?  With health, it’s not just about how to take care of children, but teaching the parents how to take care of themselves.  And with child’s play, how many pounds of dirt have we and our children eaten and worn in a lifetime? 


How far should we be digging into peoples’ lives?  How do we give people back their power (children and adults) to make the smartest, healthiest decisions?  All the children in the news is happening for a reason.  These children are gifting us.  How are we ALL supposed to grow from this learning?  What kind of loving kindness can we show to ALL?

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4Sep09 Trial, Literally, by Fire

I founded a wholesale art coop called The Left Side more than a decade ago and love that I have the opportunity to work with amazing dedicated professionals in the mind, body, spirit industry daily.  Twice a year I put together a Virtual Wholesale Trade Event, and as I was finalizing some details, one of the vendor participants called to ask me a question about his listing.  As our conversation was coming to a close he said, “Did you hear about the California fires?”  I responded that I had and he went on to tell me that he lost his home, cars, and part of his business in the fire (he only had time to pack one vehicle).

Yep, it was the next question for me too–he had no insurance.

 

He went on to apologize for ruining my day by telling me his story.  But my response was that I was thankful that I could even be a small part of his recovery by referring business his way.  He said that people were asking if he regretted living in the area, and other “look into the past with remorse” comments, and his response was that he loved it there, it was obviously time to move on, and he was telling everyone to follow through on your dreams (his words were more along the lines of “don’t put things off,” but in case you are attracted this concept use words that promote forward motion “follow through on your dreams” instead of “put things off”). 

 

When faced with adversity, how do you react?  When you live by the concept that “everything happens for a reason” or other faith based ideas, how does this impact your confidence in your beliefs?  What words are you using prior to, during and after life experiences good and bad?  What manifests as a result of those words?  What is truly important?  If you had only one vehicle to take your most important belongings, what would those be?  Why?    

 
There are so many questions I’m pondering while I give thanks at the same time.  If you are reading this, (like me) it’s likely you have a roof over your head, likely adequate transportation, and can take a peek at your personal photos of family, friends, and memorable events (One vehicle?  My top 7–my 3 children, husband, dog, volumes of family photos that I’ll just have to count as one, and computers).   

Speak to you soon.

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31Aug09 What’s in a wave?

Even as a child I’d always been one for waving at people as I walked by. But as I got older and people didn’t wave back I changed my approach to giving smiling eye contact and a nod as I walked by. (Then, if I didn’t get a little nod back it wouldn’t be quite as embarrassing to be ignored.)

But then I moved to Asheville, NC. Feeling my inner child bubbling up, I went back to my childhood walk and wave and when I did I got about a 90% hit rate on wave backs. And if I gave the smiling eye contact, what do you think happened? I’d get a wave back! What? I just gave the old head nod and they actually were courageous enough to put their hand in the air and put it in motion. Then I’m driving through our neighborhood and two pre-teen girls playing in their driveway gave me the peace sign and, OF COURSE, I gave it right back with a smile, a nod AND a little wave of the two fingers to boot.

Did I just walk into being pleasant heaven or did I join a club that I am not aware of? Come on. Adopt this. Feel the warmth as you spread the love one wave or smiling nod at a time.

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25Aug09 A more relaxed atmosphere to expand the mind

As I sat in my Asheville, North Carolina home watching a morning show sipping my tea, an author of a “stay young” type of concept said that living in the mountains extends your life. The left brain stats say that one of the reasons is certain cancers can’t develop as aggressively with less oxygen to fuel the growth. But I have an additional theory on why people in my area of Asheville live longer. Right braining it, it’s the 4-day work week.

Moving into a more relaxed town where many move here because they are making a quality of life change, I have found a large portion of professional offices open for business Monday through Thursday only. Finding a new dentist, general practitioner, chiropractor… Friday, Saturday and Sunday is the week-end. And why not? I don’t know how many times I’ve taken a look at the European holiday schedule and said, “Why don’t we do that?” How did Americans get so far off track on learning how to relax? Eat right? Simply live?

I will say that a more relaxed environment can take more patience on my part when I’m in my doer mode. Certain service providers just move slower. Things aren’t quite as urgent as up North. They do acknowledge that urgencies may be a possibility — when I’ve made Friday calls to medical professionals their voice mails do say to dial 911 in the event of emergencies.

Another part of the equation is there is a lot to do here. Great outdoor living – hiking, biking, walking, nature and site seeing, good food, art, music, festivals for any possible reason, drumming circles, interesting independent shops and restaurants, an active learning environment — lectures on herbs, green fuel and building, dowsing, living healthy… So the brain is constantly creating new connections, balancing left and right brain activity which keeps the spirit up, and the mind, body and soul active and energetic.

What are you doing to keep your left and right brain moving? Think about driving another route home. Extend your walk by 10 minutes or more (if you don’t walk then start doing that for say 10 minutes). Go to a lecture on something that interests you. And just maybe take more Fridays off.

Speak to you soon.

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