Mainstream Metaphysical Mom

My husband, youngest and I went out of town for one night. Our son (18 in five months) stayed home. I received a call at 10:30pm (the night we are out of town) from a neighbor that said there were numerous cars in our driveway (note that he was forewarned that guests were out of the question). When I called our son, he assured me that their cars would be gone within the next 5 minutes. This was the only statement he made in our 10 minute conversation that was true. Our son “asked his friends to leave,” he then picked them up (from their new parking places) and brought them back to our home (and parked in the garage so that the neighbors couldn’t see them piling out of his car).

When we made it back the next evening my 9-year-old daughter and I came home to two garbage bags of empty beer cans in my kitchen, my back porch rearranged party style with cigarette ashes on the table, a full dishwasher, towels in the dryer, multiple (guest) cups sitting on the kitchen counter, Rock Band (video game) set up in the living room (for multiple players), a deck of cards on the kitchen table, and more. Aren’t you supposed to dispose of the evidence? How should I interpret this?

The prior twelve months were full of curfew breaking, school suspensions, court hearings and ordered community service, smoking cigarettes, “other” substances, and blatant disrespect that included when taking his car keys and cell phone he searched my bedroom until he found them (saying “Don’t you think I know all of your hiding places by now?), and on and on.

This was a new “ah ha” moment for me. I asked myself “Am I becoming an enabler (I’ve watched enabling in my family and it ends in complete failure)? What kind of example was this for my elementary aged child? What message does it send to my son if I allow this blatant disrespect to continue?” I love my son, but his behavior was creating too much havoc in our household. So I packed his clothes and items and put them at the front door, texted my husband (who was on the West Coast for business) and family support network that I was kicking him out of the house and someone would need to take the reigns. Long distance my husband booked him in a hotel for one night, but there were no other offers on the table.

The next day, even when I consciously created psychic and emotional blocks, I could feel my son’s anxiety and distress. He didn’t know where he was going to sleep night two (he was uncomfortable asking most of his friends for a place to stay) and he was out of money (spent it on the party). He began to feel helpless, like he was going crazy due to the stress and even (verbalized to his Dad that he was feeling) suicidal (“I can’t take this anymore. Goodbye!”). In addition to alcohol and drug abuse, we also have family history (on both sides) for suicide attempts. Unfortunately, many succeed even when making half-hearted attempts. So, I found him (after my husband called me in a panic when he got his text) and told him to come home.

When my son and I discussed the past 24 hours, I asked him if his Dad’s suspicion that he wanted to hurt himself was true (studies have shown that this should be verbalized upfront, even saying the word “suicide,” to get it out in the open) and he said, “Yes.” And that “I thought everyone had written me off.” My response was, “Everyone loves you, but no one views your behavior now or in the past as acceptable. We want the ‘you’ that we know you can be.”

When I posted the question on Facebook, “So. I leave my nearly 18 year old son home for one night (first time) giving him the opportunity to show how adult he can be (with clear boundaries that no one enters the house for that 24 hour period). Yep, maybe you guessed it. I came home Sunday to two garbage bags full of empty beer cans (among other things) still sitting in my kitchen (one leaking on a chair cushion). What would you do?” There were many though provoking answers. Yes, I did take his door keys. No, I didn’t take his car or cell phone (been there, done that numerous times). But this was the time that I decided he no longer had access to me or had the capability to disrespect our home or family again.

I feel like there’s been a shift (please, please, please let that be so), but only time will tell. What impact did this have on the rest of the North Carolina Payton household? We’re all a bit shaken and drained. But to see it through our 9-year-old daughter’s eyes she asked, “Mommy, will you get really mad at me if I’m 45 minutes late for my curfew?” And, “Will he be home for Thanksgiving?” (We have a major family get together during that time.) The answers to both questions were, “Yes.” And “Yes.”

Check out http://www.michellepayton.com/radio-clips.htm to hear a couple of radio interviews on “Being a Mainstream Metaphysical Mom… What does that mean?” and “Raising Kids Mainstream Metaphysically.” And remember, we’re doing the best we can with the information that we have at the moment.

Speak to you soon.

Michelle